Read Part 1: Beginning the Conversation Anew
Read Part 2: An Open Letter To Men
Hello Ladies!
I understand we are all exquisite little flowers, so I will approach this subject delicately. To quote one of my favorite Gilmore Girls characters, Mrs. Kim — giving her daughter advice on her wedding day– “You have to do it with this boy, Lane. You’re just going to have to do it. Hopefully, if you’re lucky like me, you’ll only have to do it once.” I, of course, give you this quote in jest. We, ladies, know that sex is on our collective mind. However, it’s a lot tougher for us than it is for the males around us. Allow me break it down for you wonderful women.
We are raised in a world with two types of women: virgins and whores. That’s it, ladies. Naturally, as good Christian women, we are called to be perpetual virgins, just like the mother of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Sex is something that men think about and do. WE plan tea parties and ladies days. The virginal self continues on until the wedding night. Then, my dears, you are expected to become a whore. (But only in the bedroom. In view of everyone else, you are still virginal). You are expected to know and perfectly execute the act of sex — the very thing you have spent your entire life NOT thinking about. But that’s the tricky part, isn’t it? Because you HAVE been thinking about it all this time. You have battled and fought against every sexual thought that has entered your mind. You were once given the talk about where the man puts his… thing… during… um… The Act… and then *ahem*… stuff happens… and…well, that’s where babies come from. Oh, and don’t forget that you bleed once a month because of Eve or something. But that’s really all you have to go off of. Unlike boys, your peers don’t really talk about sex much unless it’s speculating which of your female classmates have “done it”.
We learn the technical facts of sex, we learn about boobs, periods, and shaving legs and underarms. And that’s all we’re given. We don’t know what to do when we first get turned on and all of a sudden, DOWN THERE is wet and smells weird. We’re left thinking that we are wrong for what our bodies naturally do. Even writing this right now, I feel a little dirty. There are terms that we hear in the “technical talk” that confuse us. There’s a lot of skin down there that we don’t know what to do with and we’re left wondering how a man would fit into that small area. We’re told that it hurts and we’ll bleed the first time. What it boils down to is that we are told a lot of disjointed, but technical, facts and that trying to string it all together when the time comes to actually perform, we have no clue what to do.
I am no “sexpert”, but I have had sex. I believe that there are a lot of things a woman needs to know about before sex. First, ladies, you NEED to know about birth control if you ever plan on using it. This is NOT the choice of your husband or partner. He can have an opinion and you guys can have a discussion about it, but ultimately, it will be you that carries all the children. Therefore, you need to decide if you want to have one child or 25 children or somewhere in between. Once you decide if you want to use birth control, you need to talk to your doctor had have him/her explain it to you. There are so many different forms available and you need to know your options. I will not get into the various types right now, as I am not a medical person and would probably be of no real help. If you decide that you would not like to use birth control, that’s perfectly fine as well. Having a large family can be seen as a blessing to some women and detrimental to others (but that is a topic for another day). Second, you need to know, in both scientific and layman’s terms, how your body works, how the males body works, and how your bodies work together. You need to also know that what works for one will not work for all. Acknowledge that you will not know exactly what to do the first time, but be prepared to take it slow and explore what feels good. Remember to talk to your partner. Men are not mind readers. I mean, not to stereotype, but many men can not pick up non-verbal cues with your clothes ON. A lot of men need to be told and shown what feels good and what you like. Third, you need to understand and conquer the mental aspect.
As stated before, we, as Christian ladies, are raised to be “Godly Virgins”. We are expected to be able to walk down the aisle in a white dress (and all that it symbolizes). However, through a variety of circumstances, fewer and fewer of us are able to stroll towards our potential groom wearing pristine white. We have to face the fact that Girls In The Church are giving up their “V-Card” premaritally just as often as Secular Girls. However, we as a collective Church refuse to acknowledge that fact until one of them gets pregnant — then we either gloss it over or we shun her. We as a Church have failed our young women as well. We are not there to talk to them about sex, their bodies, or the emotional aspects of sex.
Let me take this chance to speak to those of you reading this who have not had sex. Ladies, we have been brought up in a world where men and women are equal. This has translated into “same”. We are not better or worse than men, but we ARE wired differently. Namely, when it comes to casual sex. I am not advocating casual sex for either men or women, but the sad fact is that casual sex is prevalent in our culture today — including the church. Men tend to be more sexually/visually wired and less emotional when it comes to sex. We, however, become emotionally connected when we have sex. I know. I’ve done it. As much as I hate to admit this publicly, I have had casual sex. Ladies, it’s tough. We see media (magazines, television, movies) where the females show their independence by sleeping with multiple men, but in reality, it’s never that easy. We form bonds and ties that men don’t seem to. Breaking that bond, that tie, is what causes heartache amongst even the most casual of sexual partners.
I know this is a lot to throw at you, ladies, so I offer you this. If I have said anything that you have found offensive or that you question, please e-mail me at ajohnston@thechristianmanifesto.com. I will listen to you. I will talk with you. I will answer your questions (and hopefully you can answer some of mine!). In fact, talk to the women around you — friends, mentors, peers. Open up the topic of sex. We, more than we really know, need to bring this topic to light.
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