Read Part 1: Beginning the Conversation Anew
Read Part 2: An Open Letter to Men
Read Part 3: An Open Letter to Women
I have had a tough time writing this series. All four parts have been so extremely spaced apart that it almost seems like I have forgotten or don’t care about this, when in reality, it’s just the opposite. I care so much about it and it’s always on my mind, but the approach is a tightrope walk between the world and the church. And, as my conclusion, that’s how it should be. Our lives, our thoughts, need to be in constant balance between the world we live in and the morals instilled in us through our beliefs. Here are my final thoughts on the subject:
I would first like to apologize for my shaming of various groups of people. Unwed mothers — I know it’s a tough world out there. I have spent the past three years watching my lovely sister struggle being a single mom. When she told me that she was pregnant, I told her that I would stick by her no matter what– if she chose to keep the baby or not keep the baby. I went to doctors appointments with her and was her birth coach — cutting the cord and everything. I have spent the past three years with my amazing niece, who is, by far, the single greatest person in my life. I am sure that things can be tough for any single parent, but one look at your child or children will tell you that it’s all worth it. My apologies for the remarks I had made in previous segments.
People who watch porn — I honestly don’t know what to say. The sex industry is something that I would not like to get into at this time, however, I will say that I have seen people struggle with porn to the point where it can feel like cheating on your significant other. I have struggled with porn to the point where it controlled my life for a long time. I am not sure how I feel about porn in moderation because, for me, it was never about moderation. It was all or nothing. I apologize if I made you feel like a lesser person for viewing pornography. I honestly can not tell what my feelings towards it is right now. This, as previously stated, will be addressed in a later article.
I would like to take the time now to talk about how awesome and amazing sex is. I feel like a lot of Christians read the scripture of “be fruitful and multiply” to mean that we should only have sex for procreation. However, God has coupled our natural drive to reproduce with a soul that connects and bodily sensations that enhance the sexual experience. I feel like I have addressed the dilemmas and drawbacks of sex and how the church addresses it (or doesn’t address it), but I have yet to say the good sides. To be completely honest, I was not sure how to talk about the amazingness of sex or even if I should, as I am unwed and that’s a touchy subject. The truth is that I have had sex and I enjoy it. If I did not enjoy it — if it were not an intensely pleasurable experience — then I would have stopped after my first time. I have had sex with people that I only liked and I’ve had sex with someone I loved. My own personal struggle is the connection that I form with the men I have sex with — the sex is amazing, but the aftereffects are emotionally painful. That being said, sex is not a bad thing. I am not encouraging you, dear reader, to go and lose your virginity immediately (if you are still currently a virgin), nor to sleep with any and everyone you can as soon as possible just to see what it feels like. I AM encouraging you to talk to your mentors, parents, peers, elders, and anyone else you trust and ask them about sex. Start open and honest dialogue with the people around you. I would also recommend striving to wait until marriage to have sex, but I realize that in today’s time, that is not feasible (even in the church). However, I will say that it’s best to wait to have sex until you have a connection with the other person. Speaking as someone who has experienced both, I will say that it’s better to have sex with a person you connect with so that open communication is easier. It’s difficult to tell and show your partner what you want to do if you don’t really know him or her. Speaking of showing…
Author Adrienne Johnston addresses some of the feedback she’s received throughout the “Let’s Talk About Sex” series as well as her final thoughts on the content.
I don’t think that masturbation is “wrong”. I had been skirting around this discussion topic because I felt the need to appease the masses, but the time has come that I made my own views known. I think masturbation is a good thing. I believe it can get to a point of overindulgence (as with many other things: food, sex, relaxation, etc). If you have a partner and it is detracting from sex with said partner, that might be an issue that you will both need to address, but for now, I will assume that you, reader, are single. I do not think that it is wrong to explore your own body and get to know yourself better. I also do not think it is a bad thing to take care of your own sexual urges yourself instead of going out and trying to find someone to take care of them for you. Again, this is something to decide for yourself. If you are not comfortable masturbating, don’t force yourself to do it. I know there is some debate about the issue of outside “sources” (read: pornography) in aiding with masturbation and I acknowledge the debate, but will leave those for another article.
Last but not least, I wanted to discuss the amazing world of birth control. I have previously discussed people that want children, but there are many that do not want children or want to wait on children. There are a variety of methods for those not wishing to have children, whether they want to wait or choose to not have children ever. The easiest and most available forms of birth control are condoms (both male and female). These are relatively inexpensive (occasionally free) and can be purchased without a prescription. The added bonus to condoms is that they not only prevent pregnancy, but also most sexually transmitted infections. I recommend that, if you are sexually active, you keep a condom handy. In addition to condoms (the most well-known of which is the male condom), there are a variety of female-controlled methods of birth control. There is the female condom, the sponge, cervical cap, and diaphragm. These can all be inserted into the woman’s vagina herself and can (with the aid of spermicide) be used to prevent pregnancy. However, out of these, only the female condom can be used to prevent sexually transmitted illnesses. If you, as a female, are not comfortable inserting something into your vagina before a sexual act and do not enjoy condoms, there are other methods as well. Currently on the market, we have Birth Control Pills, the Morning After Pill, the Patch, the Implant, the Shot, the Ring, and an Intrauterine Device (IUD). These have a variety of advantages and disadvantages. I recommend you researching and finding out which one is best for you as well as discussing it with your healthcare professional. All of these methods can be used for both those who wish to wait on children and those who wish to not have children. For those who do not wish to have children, there are more permanent methods of birth control available — the vasectomy for men and sterilization for women. Again, please talk to your healthcare professional about the risks and benefits of these methods. For those who wish to go a more “natural” route, there is Fertility-Awareness Based Methods (FAMs), Breastfeeding as Birth Control, Outercourse, and Withdrawal (the Pull Out Method). A lot of the more organic methods require one or both parties knowing their bodies quite well, so if the female is unsure about the timing of her monthly cycle or the male can not tell exactly when he will ejaculate, these methods will be less effective. As I’m sure we have all been told (and could recite along with me), with all of these forms of birth control, the only completely effective method of birth control is abstinence.
I know this is a lot of information, thought, and opinion to throw your way in my last piece. I hope this series has helped you personally as well as aiding in fostering communication about one of the more “taboo” topics in the Church. If you have any thoughts, questions, or suggestions, feel free to e-mail me (ajohnston@thechristianmanifesto.com)and I will get in contact with you. Thank you, friends, for sticking by me for this series. May God’s peace and grace go with you always.
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Adrienne I appreciate your courage in tackling this subject and I do think sex should be more openly discussed in church. One reason is so we don’t take the approach that not having sex before marriage is not feasible. I have to disagree with you on this point. Could you please explain why you believe it’s not feasible?
I’m not about to get into an abortion debate and derail an open discussion about sex, but it’s fairly widely accepted that the Morning After Pill can be an abortifacient. I point this out because there are people who do not know this, but have a moral objection to abortion and use it not understanding exactly how it works.
I’d like to echo a few of Melissa’s points. The Morning After Pill is often considered, at least by those who are Pro-Life, to be a form of abortion.Likewise, I have heard some Christians argue that the IUD is also abortion as it can cause a very, very early abortion in the rare cases that fertilization has already occurred. I wouldn’t want to encourage a young woman to use either of these forms of contraception if she hadn’t done sufficient research into how they work, especially if she were anti-abortion. It could be quite upsetting to realise that you accidentally aborted a child when you actually thought you were preventing a life from being formed in the first place.
And as Melissa said, I don’t believe that not having sex before marriage isn’t feasible. I think what makes this so difficult for young people is when they’re only abstaining from sex because God/the church/their family/their congregation wants them to, not because it’s their personal choice. When my fiancé and I first met he supported and respected my decision not to have sex before marriage, but he found it very difficult to abstain as he didn’t understand the reasons behind my choice. This made the physical side of our relationship quite difficult for a while because to not have sex was my choice, not his. It wasn’t until we’d been dating for about six months and about to get married that we had a very serious, in depth discussion about abstaining from sex until marriage that my fiancé came to the decision that he, too, wanted to wait. Once the decision to wait became his personal choice (and a choice that we had made together as a couple), it was as if a weight had been lifted off us. We were no longer waiting because it was expected of us, but because we wanted to wait in order to honour our relationship for ourselves and for God. It has made waiting so much easier for us because we’re not just waiting because we “should”. But I do have friends who are Christians and are only abstaining because they would feel guilty if they didn’t, but they don’t have any personal conviction to wait. And for them, I know that waiting is very, very difficult. Us? Seriously, I’m just going to be blatantly honest here. We’ve slept in the same bed on numerous occasions and share an apartment and we’ve still managed to wait. It doesn’t mean that temptation isn’t there, just that it’s easier to withstand temptation when you have a reason other than “God says we shouldn’t do it”.
I think the best way to encourage young people to abstain from sex before marriage is to discuss the issue and to discuss why we should wait. Just saying “Don’t do it” isn’t enough, they need to figure out for themselves why they should wait. Teach them to pray about it, discuss it with their parents and peers, and develop opinions on it. The reason so many young people leave the church is because they’ve been blindly following the rules given to them by the church without realising why they do it, and it’s so easy for their friends at school to challenge them. If they don’t have any reason to back up their actions other than “God says I should/shouldn’t do X” then it’s so much easier to become doubtful about your decisions and actions. So, in the case of abstaining from sex before marriage, realising what a gift sex is to your future husband/wife, your marriage and to God is key to truly making the decision to wait.
This is an issue pretty close to my heart as I have had that moment of realisation that I WANTED to wait, and wasn’t just waiting because it was what I SHOULD do, and that completely changed the way I looked at sex and at my relationship with my future husband. So, yes, from personal experience I would say that it is feasible not to have sex before marriage.
I don’t want to chase a rabbit too much, but it’s not just IUDs. All forms of chemical birth control could lead to abortion. They each have three prevention mechanisms–prevent fertilization, (blanking out on the second), and thin the lining of the uterus so that if fertilization occurs the baby could not implant.
I agree with the rest of your comments about waiting for sex. Not to sound condescending, but I’m proud of you! It’s a difficult teaching to obey and it’s great that you and your fiance communicated and came to a godly decision.
I wasn’t aware that it was more than just IUD, but I’m not exactly an expert on this subject – I’d just heard about the IUD being considered a form of abortion when I wrote an essay on abortion back in high school. I’m assuming the Pill is one of the few chemical forms of birth control that doesn’t lead to abortion because it actually stops the menstrual cycle altogether? I hope so, because I’ve been on the Pill for years because I have dysmenorrhea and would hate to have to come off it when I do get married and have sex.
You don’t sound condescending at all! It is very difficult, not particularly for us because of worldly pressures from the media, but just from human instinct and emotion. I would never say that I’ve wanted to have sex just because everyone else is doing it, but because certain emotions and urges can get stirred up very easily without you realising it, and it’s all the more enticing to give in to these emotions when you are in love with them. For some people, being engaged or in a committed relationship makes it more difficult because you’re so close to being married and being “allowed” to have sex that there is this temptation to give in to early. I think for us, we’ve got to the stage where it’s so close that it’s also just as easy to wait a few months. Plus, at the moment we spend a ridiculous amount of time studying and I think the mountains of coursework distract us from the temptation, LOL. We actually discussed this recently and decided that it wasn’t that we weren’t interested in sex any more, we just don’t have time to think about it! Effective abstinence — send your children to a high-achieving academic institution
I believe that, currently, it’s not as feasible due to the fact that our kids and young adults are being assaulted by media that states that it’s okay to have sex at a young age. They see shows and movies where the teens are acting like “adults” and they think that they can do that as well. Even our Christian teens and kids are surrounded by those outside sources. Sex is appealing and STDs are not mentioned. With the rise of MTV’s 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom as well as the tabloids that support their choices, the previous scare of having a child out of wedlock at a young age is not only not a scare anymore, but now it’s become an appealing thing. So, as Christian leaders, we need to assault this back. From what I’ve seen in a lack of communication about the subject of sex, we are not equipped to deal with it. First, we need to be open in talking about it with our teens and young people. Second, we need to be able to discuss sex with our teens while telling them that they need to wait until marriage to have sex and at the same time, keeping the lines of communication open for those who have already had sex. That’s where it gets tricky. Being able to walk those lines is rough, but we actively need to work at it. All that to say, I don’t condone premarital sex. But I’m not blind to the fact that it happens, no matter how good of a home you were raised in our how close of a youth group you have. We need to find a new approach to talk to teens.
As for the Morning After Pill, I appreciate you pointing that out. You’re right, it is an abortifacient — I should have been more clear in my piece.
Thank you so much for your feedback, Melissa!
-A
I think I understand what you’re saying, but I lean towards Rachel’s thoughts on this one. It is feasible. It might not be easy and kids might be bombarded with the media suggesting it’s ok, but those are excuses. You’re right, we need to fight back and it does highlight where the church needs to step in. I don’t believe that teens and young adults do take seriously the teachings of the church. I don’t think they realize that God’s not about ruining their fun, but He genuinely knows what’s best for us. It’s an underlying problem in the church that kids leave home and leave the church. As Rachel pointed out, they never owned their beliefs, which makes it incredibly difficult to withstand temptation. I am in complete agreement with you that we need to talk about sex in church and not just the black and white do/don’t argument. However, I think we step over the line when we’re willing to accept that given the current environment abstinence is not feasible. That feels too much like conceding.
Rachel,
Thank you for your eloquent response. I agree with you, it has to be their own choice. Thank you so so much for telling your story.
-Adrienne
Thanks for calling it eloquent! I honestly just typed everything that came into my brain when I read your article, LOL. Your post has definitely generated some good discussions today, which I’m sure has been your aim. Maybe it’ll get more people thinking and talking over these topics