THEATRICAL RELEASE DATE: MAY 18, 2012
The worst part about Battleship is that I actually kinda maybe sorta enjoyed it. I know, I know, either I’m a contrarian or a MTV caveman. But hear me out.
After what the United States of America dubs “naval games,” a naval slacker played with plenty of jaw-line chiseled gusto by Taylor Kitsch (John Carter) is suddenly thrown into a commanding position against an unknown alien horde.
I actually think the plot if far more simple then that, but I’m feeling generous. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is whether or not Battleship is worth paying $13 to see on a big screen with some decent surround sound.
In a word, itdependskinda.
In a phrase, it depends kinda.
Battleship is tailor-made for an international release. You have military bravado, war veterans both young and old, strong female leads (both pretty hot), an ethnic cast and Liam Neeson. You have the backdrop of epic special effects, the novelty of a board game and Liam Neeson.
Okay. Getting serious now.
Taylor Kitsch has genuine charisma. He manages to take klutzy dialogue and give it, well, less klunkification. Rihanna has little to do expect look good while wet and sporting big guns, but you know where you stand on that issue if you enjoy looking at pretty women with big guns. This include Brooklyn Decker who is about as involved in the plot line as a spent bullet is to a sniper rifle.
As for the special effects, well. BANG. Pretty dope. Nowhere near revolutionary, but more than adequate.
But, with each miniscule praise must come a qualification. Or many. The pacing is lackluster, the inclusion of multiple odd elements regarding aging war vets is corny and the intension of the alien race is unclear and seemingly pointless. For all we know, their race was set to die and earth had some planet-saving dues ex machina elements. Like unobtanium. Or fig newtons. Or Liam Neeson.
But, we aren’t privy to such information. And to think about it is to waste your $13, trying to fill the gaps that aren’t necessary to be filled.
Some commentators brought up the issue of “warmongering” and “militarism.” I think they are missing the point; to give the film that type of credit is simply laughable. Battleship is a tent pole blockbuster, not a Michael Moore documentary. The film is doing only one thing there; trying to make money. Either this film is an incredible satire (which I admit is possible) or it is what it is; a film based on a classic board game trying to make back it’s $200 million budget by appealing as broadly as possible.
So, should you spend $13 on this?
Sure. Why not. Like marriage and kids and Tim Burton flicks, you know what you are getting.
3 out of 5.